Be More Selfish

As I walk the path of personal development, I believe more and more that society has set a lot of people up for failure when it comes to the concept of selfishness and selflessness. I’m going to speak from my own perspective, as to not put words in anyone’s mouth. Growing up, I was constantly surrounded by the idea of being selfless, and how this is a value that someone must have in order to be considered a good person. I still continue to hear this nowadays, being taught to people of all ages. “Don’t be selfish!” “Always put others first.” “Wow, he is so selfless, the way he always gives to everyone else. That’s amazing.” 

These words, and the implication that society has given to them, hold a massive amount of power and influence. This concept - whether intentionally or not - teaches people that they, as individuals, are not as important as everyone else. This ideology portrays that we must always put others’ wants and needs before our own, no matter what. When I stopped to think about the meaning of the words “selfish” and “selfless”, it really hit me how twisted their connotations are in our world. 

Because of society, the word “selfish” implies that someone ONLY thinks about themselves, to the detriment of others. It indicates that being selfish is always something negative. On the flip side, the word “selfless” is considered to be an extremely honorable and positive personality trait. Let’s break this word into its two parts - “self” and “less” - to have a lack of self. Why on earth would we want this? To me, this means that we do not have an identity. This is something we are pushed to strive towards? As if it is something positive and admirable? On the other hand, if we were to care about ourselves and prioritize our needs, this is considered selfish - which holds a completely negative meaning in our society. 

This concept is entirely confusing and conflicting. Then if you incorporate the idea of “self-care” and how this is pushed on us, this only adds to the confusion. We are taught to always put others first, but then we’re also encouraged to partake in self-care. First of all, this message is contradictory - “Put others first, but hey why aren’t you doing more self-care?” Second of all, self-care is usually represented as something that we should do occasionally, or something more along the lines of pampering, rather than true self-care. Is carving out time to get a manicure good self-care? I would consider this a lovely way to pamper yourself, and if this is something you enjoy doing, by all means do it! I sure love a good manicure. However, true self-care is taking care of yourself in all aspects, on a consistent basis. It is prioritizing your basic needs - healthy nutrition most of the time, staying hydrated, exercising, practicing good hygiene. True self-care is also making sure that you set clear boundaries so that others do not overstep and interfere with your inner peace. True self-care is putting yourself and your immediate family first, even if this means telling other people “no” when they want you to say “yes”. Essentially, self-care is being “selfish”, which really means just making sure you take care of yourself well, the way your mind, body, and spirit deserves. 

How can individuals be expected to have confidence and self-respect if we are continuously being told that caring about ourselves is negative and that always putting others first is something positive? This creates self-doubt, self-hatred, people-pleasing tendencies, depression, and a lack of identity. It can create a feeling of isolation and being lost in this life. It can cause someone to spiral and make bad decisions. I speak from experience here. 

Why does everything need to be one extreme or the other in this world? Putting ourselves first does not necessarily make us selfish. Prioritizing our own needs does not necessarily mean that we are harming other people. We can make sure we are taken care of, while also helping others - both can be true. We can also help others without losing ourselves in the process. It’s all about balance. If we only care about ourselves, to the point of harming others around us, yes - that is not good. If we only care about others, to the point of harming ourselves - that is also not good. 

Can we please change the way that we define these words, and the meanings that they have in our society?